The Myth of the "Popular People"

Every year at every school a group of kids will get together at every recess, find some remote, but visible corner of the playground and hang out.

The behavior of this particular group is slightly mysterious to the other schoolkids, because the group acts in a secretive way. They huddle together and laugh amongst themselves.


They move to another area when others approach. They speak in a peculiar code in which normal English phrases have a special meaning that only they understand. They talk about subjects which are taboo and which they don't really understand, but like to pretend that they do.

The other kids at school see this group in a variety of ways. Curiosity. Indifference. Envy. Disdain.

The English language has many names for a group like this. Coterie. Posse. Clique. Gang. At the group's school, however, they are known as the "Popular People".


How does such a group get this name? Is it because they more popular than other kids?

I suggest, no matter how much the kids in the group would like to think so, that the answer is no.

I do think that the mysterious, secretive, exclusive behavior of this clique gets it a lot of attention, for it gives others the impression that they know something that non-members don't or are having some fun that others can't. This creates curiosity about what goes on in it, envy in those who want to be a part of it (even though they don't know what goes on in it) and disdain among those who think they are poseurs.

The "Popular People" clique isn't about popularity at all. It's about getting attention. The people in it and who want to be in it think that attracting a lot of attention makes them popular. This is a misunderstanding of what popularity is.

Cliques are basically small groups of people who share some kind of common interest, like a particular kind of music, or video games, or fashion. Cliques are not about popularity. Cliques are about separation. Cliques are often filled with people who aren't sure who they are or lack self confidence and need some kind of assurance or identity. Membership in a clique gives its members a sense of belonging and sometimes, a sense of power.


Here's where the problems start. If a clique gets too big, membership in it is no longer special. If anyone could join a clique, it is no longer exclusive. In the case of the "popular people" clique, it no longer gets attention. So, members devise strategies to control the size of the clique. When "choosing" new members, this can mean making the person who wants to get in do something mean or embarrassing to someone else, like choosing between friends (we'll be your friend only if you stop talking to...)

Once accepted, a member isn't guaranteed a permanent place. People are often expected to prove their worth by engaging in embarrassing, dangerous or mean-spirited activities like Truth or Dare, bullying non-members, hazing (bullying wannabe members) or shoplifting. For many, membership in a cliques creates, instead of a sense of belonging, a sense of anxiety because of the constant need to prove oneself.


So you see, "Popular People" is really just a bad name for a clique. This clique, like any other clique, is not about popularity at all. In this case, it's about exclusion, getting attention and power. The more attention you pay it, the more powerful its members think it is. If it's hurting other people, the best thing you can do is defend those who it is hurting without paying attention to the clique. If it doesn't get attention, it will wither up and go away.

A person doesn't need to be part of a clique to be popular. In fact, a genuinely popular person usually doesn't belong to any one clique, but can move freely from one group to the next. A genuinely popular person is one who treats everyone with respect and who is, in return, respected by everyone. This is called mutual respect. At their core, truly popular people have a high level of self confidence and self respect. A great example one one such person is President Obama.

Truth is, it is far more important be respected than merely popular. Some people become popular for very superficial reasons, only to become unpopular when the thing that made them popular is no longer "cool" - think Brittney Spears.


There is a kid at Park who seems to have no close friends, yet is able to talk to or play with almost anyone. When she has no one to talk to, she simply finds something to do, like read, or build something, or join a game. To me, this indicates a very high level of self-confidence, something far more important than fleeting popularity.

Is she popular? Not in the classic sense, but she is well respected. I know because she got more votes than any other 5th grade girl in the hockey team captain election.

As for the "popular people"? In PE captain elections over the years, members of this clique rarely get elected; perhaps 10% of the time at most. They aren't so popular or respected after all. Their "popularity" is just a myth.