Making Friends - Step Four

Okay, now we're getting into the nitty-gritty. Use the first three tools faithfully, and you will find that people, including people who never showed any interest in you before, will look forward to seeing you, be interested in getting to know you, talking to you and spending time with you.

The trick now is to really get to know these people and turn their interest in you into a real friendship.

This next skill is something that most adults, including me, can do better. Therefore, if you can master this skill at an early age you will possess a skill that many don't. Not only be able to make lots of friends, but you will be successful at anything you choose to do. The skill?

The ability to listen.

At the most basic level, a good listener pays close attention to and absorbs everything that s/he hears.

President Clinton used to have aides read complicated documents to him while he was busy doing something else. When the aide was done, Clinton could remember the document almost word for word. While discussing the document and having a disagreement with an aide about what it said, he would often say something like: "Go back to page 92, second paragraph. The one that begins with..." and he'd always be right.

Mr. Clinton demonstrated a phenomenal ability to listen and absorb words, facts and figures. But there's more to listening than that, especially when it comes to your relationships with people. If you really work at being a good listener and as your understanding of people grows, you will learn that a lot of what you are being told isn't being said.

Sound weird, but it's true. Truly good listening skills mean the ability to hear what is being said to understand what isn't being said. This is called the ability to read between the lines.

Simple Example: Let's say that I have a great player on my basketball team. S/he's tough, fast, skilled, hard working, enthusiastic. Looked up to by the other players. Then one day s/he shows up for a game and says, "my stomach hurts."

This is a simple statement that can mean a lot of different things. Could simply mean that the player's stomach hurts. But it could also mean that the player is scared and is looking for reassurance from me. It is up to me, the listener, to figure out what the player really means.

A poor listener would say something like: "I'm sorry to hear that, but we really need you today. Can you tough it out?"

A good listener would ask questions:

Coach: "Do you think it was something you ate?"
Player: "No."
Coach: "How long has your stomach been hurting?"
Player: "Not long."
Coach: "Do you need to sit out?"
Player: "No."

These answers indicate that the player still wants to play, so the stomach pain might just be anxiety. Coach's job now is to take the pressure off the player.

Coach: "Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going to start you as usual, but if your stomach really starts to bother you, let me know and I'll take you out, okay? Anything you can do to help is good, so just give us the best you can."
Player: "Okay."

The ability to hear what isn't being said is something that comes with practice and experience. You'll never develop it, however, unless you make an effort to listen closely.

Step Four: Listen