J.T. and Coach: A Contrast in Character

Anybody watch the last edition of "Survivor"?


I started watching this show a couple of years ago, mostly because a lot of my students watched it and it gave us something we could talk about together. Those students are gone now, but I still watch the show because I find it to be an interesting study of people's behavior. As I watch the show I'm always struck by how many different kinds of personalities there are and the way living under extreme conditions brings out the best and worst in them.

As one watches the show, one can't help but to start rooting for, or against, certain players. Through my conversations with others who watch the show I've learned that viewers have many different reasons for liking or disliking characters. I'm always a little surprised at how many viewers choose favorites based on how a person looks. To me, that's completely insignificant. My favorite players are the ones who exhibit the strongest character.

By strongest character, I mean the players who possess personality traits such as trustworthiness, reliability, ingenuity, willingness to work hard, cooperation and leadership ability and who are able to exhibit these characteristics even under the most extreme circumstances.

Last season, there were two contestants who offered a sharp contrasts in character. One of them talked about the value of character, but didn't practice it, while the other practiced it, but didn't talk about it.

In one of his interviews early in the show, "Coach", as he wanted to be known, told viewers that he wanted to play the game "with honesty and integrity".


As the game went on, he called his allies "warriors" and himself the "dragonslayer". He would tell the other players stories of life and death experiences which he barely survived.

At other times, he would wander off by himself (but in full view of the other players) and engage in a martial arts/meditation routine that "only about 20 people in the world know about". Maybe, but it looked pretty hokey.

Other players weren't impressed.

"A 37 year old man who calls himself the Dragonslayer? Give me a break". said one (for that matter, why does a grown man want to known as "Coach"?.

Coach's behavior was designed to do two things: a) draw attention to himself and b) convince the world that he had experience that few others had and that it made him somehow better than everybody else. The "honor and integrity" line was just something he said to make himself look good.

Later in the show, Coach's true nature was revealed. When it was clear that he was losing his grip on the game, Coach suddenly changed his tune. On a day when it seemed like there was a chance that he would be sent to "Exile Island", where he would have to spend the night alone with no fire and no food, he pleaded not to be sent, saying that he had "asthma".

"Asthma?," asked another player, "we've been here 30 something days and that's the first time he's mentioned asthma. I think he's scared to go to exile."

They sent him anyway.

Later, in an immunity challenge requiring a great deal of mental toughness to win, Coach, the dragonslayer and martial arts practitioner, eliminated himself by collapsing onto the ground and curling himself into a ball. He claimed that his back hurt.

The dragonslayer had gone from mysterious and arrogant to just plain pathetic.

In almost direct contrast to Coach was J.T..


While Coach tried to create this mystical air about himself, J.T. described himself as a "just a Farm boy from Alabama". While Coach was "meditating", J.T. was fishing for the whole team or chopping wood or cooking. While Coach was telling stories about his wild "experiences", J.T. just listened, never talking about himself. When all of the contestants were asked "who would you trust with your life?", the unanimous choice was J.T.. When it obvious that it was time to vote Coach out of the game, the only player who didn't vote for him was J.T., because he once promised Coach that he would never vote against him. For all of Coach's talk about playing the game with honor and integrity, it was J.T. who actually did it.

In the end, J.T. became only the second unanimous winner in Survivor history.

Character counts.

Addendum: Honor and integrity? After the show was over, it was revealed that Coach isn't one. That's because he was fired from his job for lying. Apparently, he told the college for which he worked that he needed a leave of absence for "cancer tests". He actually left to play Survivor.

Somebody researched Coach's stories by matching his claimed dates and events to real events and the same times and locations. They didn't match.

Finally, somebody asked Coach where he learned his "meditation" routine. In a rare moment of honesty, he said he made it up for the show.

Making Friends - Step Six (of seven)

If you've been practicing the things we've written about so far, you've learned how powerful those tools are.

Being interested in others, smiling and using other people's names will break down their natural barriers to strangers and allow them to see you as someone who is friendly. Listening and encouraging others to talk about themselves will tell others that you are not just being nice but are really interested in getting to know them. Others now see you, not just as someone who is friendly and approachable, but as someone who is good to talk to.

People like other people who are good listeners and who are willing to let them talk.

By using the skills we've described so far, you've probably decided who you'd really like to have as a friend. Usually, this means that you've found others who are interested in some of the same things as you. If this is the case, the next step should be easy.

If you're interested in strengthening your relationship with someone, try this: start conversations with them about subjects that you know that you both find interesting, but do so in a way that invites them to talk about it.

Example:

Let's say the you want to be friends with someone who likes to read, like you do. You notice that s/he's carrying a book you've read and liked, so you start a conversation about it.

You: "Hi (person's name), how do you like that book?"
Other: "It's really good. I'm almost done and I don't want it to end."
You: "I felt the same way. Why do you like it so much?"
Other: "I really like how there is text and pictures and how the author uses pictures to tell a lot of the story. It makes me feel like I'm in the story."
You: "Me too!"
Other: "Really? How about when Hugo figured out who the old man was? I thought that was awesome!"...

See? By asking a question about something about which you know the other was interested, you found the other person eager to talk about it. By continuing to ask questions, you invited the other person to continue talking, which kept the conversation going. The other person became curious about what you thought and a full conversation took place. The conversation brought the two of you closer.

In the future, if the other person wants to talk about a book with someone, there's a good chance they'll come to you, because they'll know that this is a subject about which you like to talk. A friendship has begun.

Step Six: Talk in terms of the other person's interests

Making Friends - Step Five

Do you see how the first four steps are interconnected? By smiling, using other people's names and listening, you are demonstrating a genuine interest in other people. People will really start to like you. Now let's learn how to turn this likability into real friendships.

Most friendships are based on common interests, likes and dislikes. Good friends know and understand each other. So, how do you get to know somebody without seeming nosy? How do you learn what another person's likes and dislikes are? How do you demonstrate interest and understanding?

This is actually pretty easy if you're really interested in people and you are a good listener.

You accomplish all of the above by encouraging people to talk about themselves.

People, especially kids, love to talk about themselves. As detailed in a previous post, most kids' conversations are really kids taking turns talking about themselves. That isn't a real conversation. It is people talking at each other instead of to each other.

If you want to know someone better and you want them to feel that you are interested in them, all you have to do is let them talk, while you ask questions that show you are interested in what they have to say. If they are interested in you, they will give you a chance to talk, too.

Example:

Potential friend: "I had a swim meet this weekend."
You: "Me too! How many events were you in?"
Potential friend: "Four. 50 free, 50 fly and two relays."
You: "How did you do?"
Potential friend: "One second, one third and two firsts."
You: "Wow! That's good!"
Potential friend: "Thanks. How was your meet?"

See? The result of this little conversation is that two people discovered they have a common interest. One (you) demonstrated interest in the other by asking questions that allowed the other a chance to talk and the other, after talking, reciprocated. They next time the two meet, they will have something to talk about and will be able to talk to each other, not at each other.

Step Five: Encourage people to talk about themselves